Almost the New year

Hello all,
It's been quite some time since my last post. Lots has happened just not what I was hoping to happen. First off, we have been officially approved and our homestudy is complete. Just waiting for the sign-off. We are Officially "waiting" as they call it. That's the good news.
As for my "issues" that were troubling me earlier, Turns out I have to go back under the knife at some point to get a mass of scar tissue delt with. When I say a mass, I mean Large lump making my abdomen look lilke a 5 month pregnant belly! It's frustrating and upsetting and really giveing me self concious issues. On top of that I am feeling very large and fat and depressed, Not a great feeling around the holidays. I'm even more frustrated because the surgeon that did my tuck two years ago is now on maternity leave and will not be back for months. This THING get's bigger every day it seems and I am so worried about it being left too long. I have to wait for her to get back and then wait my turn in the back log and then get a consultation to see if she is willing to fix it and THEN hopefullly get it removed and fixed.
Gawd! i just can't win. Sorry to say that this post id going to be a big whine right now and i feel, for the moment, I am entitled. There are very few people I can telk to about this stuff and one of the main ones is so busy with very Happy plans right now that I can't bother her with this crap. I have not felt this bad about myself in years! YEARS! The last time ws about 4.5 years ago when I finally decided to get off my ass and try to make my life better. I worked my tail off! Literally. Right now, despite having the tummy tuck, I have never felt worse, not even when i weighed 230 pounds!
I had worked so hard at losing the weight and i DESERVED that tuck! i deserved to feel good about myself and my body, and i did, for a short time. My friggen foot screwed it all up in the beginning. Plantar faciitis. Frig that is nasty stuff! I could barely walk let alone work out and if there is one thing I have learned, its that I NEED to work out, CONSTANTLY to maintain any sort of personal dignity and self worth. As soon as I take even the slightest break, I put on five pounds almost instantly. On a person as short as I am, 5 foot 2, five pounds is alot! Add another 20 to that and that's where I'm at right now, I had lost the weight, got into great clothes, felt good about my appearance and myself in general. I felt sexy, i had confidence...now, back to feeling like shit. I can't do a situp to save my life because of this stupid lump in front, It causes pain. Some would say, work through the pain. Not possible in this case. I can't turn or twist at the waist without it pulling. Its hard on my back, my bladder my kidneys. Then, to top it off, I found out through an ultrasound that I have ovarian cysts. So THAT is what's causing so may problems with my cycle too! So yup, I'm here, wallowing and promising to get back on track! Yes I will, as soon as the new year hits I will do the stereotypical resolution to lose weight, except in my case it is a necessity, not a bogus wish. I have no choice, If I want to get the belly fixed, I have to lose the weight. that's it, that's the deal. So. I will get through the holidsys as best I can, deal with what needs to be done and DO it! There, wallowing over and whining coming to an end. and hopefully, just maybe, we will get a phone call soon about a special addition to our family that will make everything complete.
Oh, starting to look at houses again. Not much on the market in our price range yet but our fingers are crossed that THAT will fall into place too. I hope.

New issues, not quite sure how to deal with them

Well, we've made it to week five. This week we will learn about family integration.
I have to admit, I'm not enjoying hte classes like I'd hoped I would. They are long and full of statistical information that I'm sure will not help us out at all in the long run. I know they are mandatory but I would think that maybe, due to the fact that we have four kids already and I run a business centered on raising children in many different forms and backgrounds. that we could get some class credit lol.

On another note. I've been feling, well, different lately. Not different in the way that I don't want to do this anymore. Just different and I wish I could elaborate on that more but for the time being, until I can confirm it, I have to leave it at that. Not much to go on, I know but I am hopeful that this is a good thing. Either way, I will be happy with whatever happens with our future. I am looking forward to holidays and regular everyday life as a family of 7 instead of six, sigh, One day.

Slowly moving forward

Well,
It's been a little while since my last post. It's a cool, damp day here, funny how your mood tends to reflect the weather, or vice versa. Adoption update. We had our second week of classes last night. We learned all about the purpose of CAS and what it does for a child, family, community in general. It was ok, long and we did a little role playing which was ok. My frustration lies in our lack of progress with our social worker. Our second meeting with her did not happen at the beginning of the month like it should have, and our third, which was supposed to be on Tuesday, the one that just passed, did not happen either. In fact, she was a complete no-show with no phone call, no message, no nothing. I had halfmy daycare parents take the day off for no reason. My house was clean, granted, but man! I was so steamed about it!. It took a few w-mails and a message to head office for a responce to come back to me yesterday. Aparently, our worker had been off recovering from a surgical proceedure. Fine and dandy, I appreciate and understand that. I've had surgery, MAJOR surgery, Pat has had surgery, we both understand and sympathize. We know what it takes to recover properly etc. Not a problem. I DO have a problem with the fact that no one thought to let us know that the meetings were not going to happen at all. She said that she had made arrangements with her manager to tell us that the meeting had to be rescheduled. well, yeah, good effort but it didn't happen. I asked her to let me know at least 24 hours in advance from now on to let me know if there willbe a cancellation at all so I could let my parents know.
What bothered me more was that we are now behind in our process, by a whole month. Our next meeting is not until october 5th. She still has to talk to each of the kids, each of us separately, discuss our options and what path to take, ie: full out adoption, the age range and the possibility of Foster to view which is taking on aninfant and caring for her as a foster child until she becomes a ward of the crown so we can legally adopt her. Last night we talked about the court system a bit and how long it takes to get a case to trial and do the legal action with straight adoption. I am thinking more and more about the foster to view. basicly we have a shot at getting a baby, very possible infant stage, like newborn, and having her come to live with us as a daughter. We would only be a foster family for her until the time that she is officially and legally a ward of the crown and her birth family relinquishes (whether by choice or by force) their legal parental rights. After that time, we will be given the opportunity to apply for formal adoption and if accepted (After all that it should be automatic but we still have to go through themotions) we get to go through the long and exhausting legal proceedings to make her ours, by name and by law.
I'm not a patient person, especially when it comes to something that I really really want, lol. I know this. I try very hard but sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I get a little frustrated. i know that we are going to be waiting for quite some time still. It will not be somethng that happens in 2011 for us. Hopefully 2012 but even then it might be a bit of a stretch.
So, now, we continue with our process, do our best to be seen, and heard in class. build a good relationship with our worker (man I can try i guess) a good relationship with our course instructors and hope that it all goes well inthe end. that's all I can pray for.
Aerobics class tonight. Doing the stability ball. Should be able to get rid of a bit of frustration and aggression.

Well, didn't happen

So, the interview didn't happen Monday as planned. The social worker's secretary called five minutes before the scheduled appointment to tell us that she was ill and couldn't make it but would re-schedule as soon as she felt up to it. Sigh
How can you be mad when the woman is sick?? You can't really so why the hell am I mad??? Another bump on the road. It's ok, I can handle this no problem. Keeping my emotions in check becuse this is a long haul coming!
Other news, we decided to sell our trailer. sigh. We only got to use it three times the whole season. We pay WAYYY too much for the season to only use it that little. We thought we had a sale last night but it fell through. The guy said he didnt see enough kids around to entertain his own two girls....um. buddy, it's a weekday in SEPTEMBER! hello?? The kids are in school!!!! Get a life and find a better excuse!ANNNNYWAY.

I'm feeling a bit, shal we say bitchy today. I'm hormonal, cranky, tired, frustrated and feeling very unappreciated at the moment. you know those times, when all you want is for someone to say, Hey, I understand you and sympathize!.? Yeah, I need that right now. Some understanding and sympathy. Not to air dirty laundry or anything but I feel, lately, my family, well certain members, seem to be a bit selfish in thier thinking and want all the attention focused ontehm. When it's time to spread some of that attention adn caring around, where do I get shoved?? Right, on the back burner again. All I hear about is, "Mom Iwant, or need or can I or do you know where? or My university courses are...or my job is... Or well, you get the drift. There si no, how was your day? or do you need a break? Or heaven forbid, Can I do anything to help????? Yeah right, I laugh at that one. Grrr

yup, feeling bitchy today for sure.  It doesnt help that nothing is going my way at all. talk abotu selfish right? All I want is for everyone to focus on me and my wants and stuff. hmmm. Nice, pot calling kettle right?

sigh. Just need a really good weekend of me time. I need my pedicure buddy back so we can go and relax for an hour very soon. KAREN come home! I miss you!

Interview #2 tomorrow morning.

Well, so far, all I can think about is the idea of a new baby. I sort of wish she hadn't mentioned it yet so that I could focus on the other things rather than the touch, the scent, the feel, the love for a brand new littl tiny baby girl.
I think even the boys are really hoping we can make it possible. At first, I was a bit worried. Al I too old to start over with a newborn? Could I handle the sleepless nights, the bottles, the diapers, the accessories, did I mention the lack of sleep? Then, after talking to NUMEROUS people about it, i began to remember how wonderful it was when the boys were tiny. Watching theit every move, theri every  milestone. They way they learned and grew and those first smiles, that amazing first laugh! The first steps! everything. My heart melted. I fell into it completely. Now it's all I can think about, All I dream about! I want it.
The other tiny part of me feels terrible for wishing for this new baby so much because I know it means that another family will have to go through something terrible in order to have their precious child taken from them and given to us. It's heartbreaking but still, i want it. I want it so bad.
I don't know what these next few interviews are about, or what we will be discussing but I will document all of it so that in the future, I will have a complete record of all that we went through to receive this blessing in our family.
I started thinking of the weird things, like when she is 18 I will be in my late 50's! pat will be in his 60's! Kyle will probably have his own family and she'll be an aunt! Man, that means grandchildren! What are we doing? Is this right? God I hope so. How can I want something in my heart so much if it's not what's meant to be?
We've been reading on adoption discussi0on boards about people who have takenthe chance to do the foster to adopt program and have had the child given back to teh birth family after bonding with him/her. I couldn't bare it!!!!! I would never survive losing her once we have her so I hope that God has a plan to keep her with us and let us rais her as our own instead of snatching her away form a huge family that will lover her to the end of time.

update

We FINALLY had our ffirst official interview with the social worker. Her name is heather and i THINK it went really well. it was much more indepth then I thought it would be! She was here for about 2 hours and we discussed everything form why we wanted to adopt to wait times and kids and dogs and safety. It started off with just small chit chat then we got into our reasons for adoption. For us, it's because we have always wanted a little girl adn were blessed with four amazing sons. We had decided NOT to have another child naturally and go with the adoption route to give a needy child out there a home and love. She was pretty satisfied with that and quickly moved on to explaining the way CAS works and the types of children that they have to place and deal with. It was a bit scary to think that these poor kids have to go through so much in their young lives.
She talked about some of the issues that might occur with children being removed from their homes. This is part of what the pride program is going to prepare us for. When she brought up an option that Pat and I had not considered, it opened a whole new can of worms to talk about. She mentioned the fostering program which I was very much against and I explained why to her. I get VERY attatched to the kids in my care, so much so that as a potential family member, the child we would "foster" would be extremely hard to give up if the issue came about that she had to go back to her family after a time. heather told us about foster to adopt. A placement program that deals with babies more so than older kids. In general, the baby, sometimes newborn right out of thehospital bed, is placed with you being a foster family with the intention of permanent adoption. They only do this when they are pretty much certain that the chances of the birth family getting thechild back are pretty much none. I had honestly ruled out a baby just because I know how hard it is to get one if not through private adoption and major fees. Even overseas you have very little chance of getting a baby under 1 just because of the red tape and time needed to process the adoption. I accepted that I would not get one and talked myself into thinking that I didn't want one, a baby that is. When Heather brought up this possibility, I admit it was very tempting and exciting. pat is all for it but I still have that feeling of what if, what if she IS taken from us after time spent and loving her and accepting her and having her accept us. Its a gamble, a risk but as Heather pointed out, The path we've chosed for adopting this was will always be a risk.
We discussed the time involved in waiting for a placement and the possibility of having to accept a child with some sort of issue or disability. We were prepared for that and have stated our prefrences in that regard. i will talk about that more later in the fall.
It didnt take long for us to get around to our kids and how they feel. She requested the private interviews for next month and will talk to each of them. She even asked Kyle if he ever remembered being spanked or hurt in any way as a child!  Kyle said no, didnt remember anything like that at all.
Heather said she needed five minutes with all teh kids, man Ihope Kameron behaves. he can be a bit rude when he's shy. After that it will be more delving into our childhood, which pat and I both had to fill out 11 page forms about our childhood and past. Mine was pretty straightforward but pat's will need some discussion. He unfortunately had a much more traumatic childhood and teenage years than I did. I am lucky to have a fab family and loving and supportive. He didnt have that and has very little contact with anyone in his family. One brother is all he talkes to. Its sad. I dont know what I'd do without my family's support.
So now, we have four more appointments booked with her over the next two months and our pride starts in three weeks and we go from there. So far, so good!

Oh my! progress at last!

Here we go! omgOmgomgomg.
Exactly one week from today we start our official adoption! We have been told that our first interview with our social worker, in the home, will be on August 29th at 1:00 p.m.! Soooo excited! This is what we've been waiting for since march! Wehave our classes scheduled starting in Spetmeber but this interview, the one that officially decided our fate, is now a go! I am not worried about her determinng that we are not good candidates at all. I know we are. I AM worried about the daycare kids. Sicne the interview is during the day (no other choice) I will be while the kids are still here. In fact, most of our interviews adn meetings will be during business hours here in my home.
I'm worried not because of what she'll see, I know I run a good daycare and the kids are well taken care of, I am, however, worries about the behaviour of a few of the kids. Some of the kids are VERY needy in the attention department and have a tendancy to act out in the presence of a stranger or unknown visitor.
I've had visits from friends or family during daycare hours before and there have been many incidents of certain children acting up at that time. Some just want the focus to be all on them so they have incessant questions and yell and do anything they can to get said person to pay attention to them. I don't understand it but also have a hard time trying to get them to stop. Others just react in a way taht is really difficult, they get wound up and yell and scream and run around. I REALLY need to have control adn was not sure if I should have asked for the day off or not. I decided to inform my clients of the interview and it's improtance adn let them make the decicion (although I hinted) to keep the kids at home or at least do an early pick-up. We'll see how the reaction will be and whom I still have on the 29th. All my clients are aware of our desire to adopt and how important all the meetings, courses and process is to us. Hopefully I will have some understanding clients and have little to no kids that afternoon. I don't want to be mean but It would be so much easier not having anyone here. i don't take days off, pretty much at ALL! I don't take sick days or vacation. I have worked through the entire summer with no (well, little) complaint lol. I don't ask for extra time off at chirstmas or marck break, in fact, I dont get spring break. I make myself available in case I am needed. These meetings are imprtant and even though I don't want to be mean and tell them to pick up the kids early or not come at all( i knowit's not possible for everyone) I'd love for them to be understanding and try to work it out for that day. We'll see.
I'm just happy to have something happening at this point! It's been a long 6 month wait and it's encouraging that the process is moving along finally!

Summer blah

We're at that point where summer is almost finished, but not quite, and the new school year is gearing up...but not quite. The days are getting shorter, the nights cooler. My kids are restless, fighting all the time. They're ready...not quite, to go back to school. I'll convince them of that in a week or two lol. The daycare is getting more rowdy and kids are in need of a definite routine changeup. So am I.
The thought has been tossed around about me NOT taking some time off next summer and working right through with a new job after the move. Believe me when I say that I am NOT the one tossing that thought around at all. At first I felt like I was being selfish. Most families are double income these days and the ones taht are not are the few lucky ones. Up till now, a double income was very much necessary for us to sustain this lifestyle. Now that the agreement has been made to downsize and minimalize, the need for the much extra income will no longer be mandatory. At least, that was the deal. Our oldest son is now 16. It's been over 16 years since I had a break, a good break and in reality, I quit my job when I was pregnant for him. I had about 5 months of me time to prepare for mommyhood. I admit, it was nice...for what I can remember of it.
I admit taht the idea of going without my own paycheck and independance is a bit daunting. i dont want to go back to being one of those housewives that beg and plead for a buck to go out for the day. I hate allowances and having to ask the hubby for permission. That's not me.
On the other hand, 16 years, no break, no time to just sit, have a cup of coffee, read a magazine, listen to the quiet...uh, there is quiet somewhere right?
Even though it may seem like I don't appreciate my family or husband I do! I really do, I just need to have some time to phase down. To find some peace. I really don't think it's to omuch to ask. Now, with the new "suggestion" that I continue to work with no or little break, I'm frustrated and a bit upset. I thougth about the number of vacations hubby has had over the last 17 years. (yup 17 year anniversary coming up at the end of the month. Marriage anniversary is a whole other ball of wax. 14 years for that, coming in October.) 17 years, he's had a few weeks of vakay every year. so, if my mat is even romotely correct, we're looking at just under a years' worth of vacation time that he has had from his work...paid of course. I'm not even asking to be paid for time off, but I do think that at least 6 months is more than fair. That's my reasoning.
We're heading to Toronto on Saturday to go an see medieval times with friends and family. Our "big trip" of the summer. One day away. Well, better than nothing! Our friends are letting the dogs out to pee for us so we don't come home to a nice pile of "presents" in the living room so that makes the day much more enjoyable. Youknow? we haven't even had a chance to take the kids to the beach this summer. No wonder they are all going nuts in the house. They haven't gotten to do anything this summer and it's almost over...but not quite!

self publishing

So, My family is really on my case to look into self publishing my book. They have been looking into the Amazon site and LuLu and others, attempting to gather information on how I could get my books out there for others to read and not hae to sit on the wait list for literary agents and publishers up here in Canada. It's nearly impossible to get a publisher to look at a manuscript or Query letter up here without a literary agent to back you up and in my area, no agents seem to be taking on new clients at the moment...or so I've been told.
It's frustrating. I love to write, I wish I had more time! Because of this, my recent book has been sitting on the back burner for about 9 months now and I've neglected it badly. My father is my biggest cheerleader! He wants nothing more thna to see my books in print. (gotta love Dads!) My brother is a do-er! He doesnt sit on teh sidelines and waits for things to happen, which, sadly I can be on occasion, a sideliner that is. He's been scouring the net looking for ways to get my books out on the market without having to pace through the years of painful waitlisting! I have to admit, it is very tempting! Get my book on the market and see what happens. Granted, it's never 100% profit, I have to pay a fee but get a royalty from whichever company I choose to publish with. Some are 35%, some 70% and some are up to 90% royalty! I will still have to get an ISBN number for my books which will make it MINE but thats not too expensive I guess.
Starting to see a little bit of light at then end of this bleak tunnel! I've been writing for years with no encouragement from the publishing industry. Not because they didnt like my books, just because they would never even look at them! I felt like I had been shot down before I had even started! Now I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I may see that dream come true!

New niece!

I am so happy to say that we found out last night our new niece was born! her name is Charlotte but will be called Charlie. Sooo cute. I'm a thrilled new auntie.
It makes me a little anxious. Not in a bad way. I went out to buy my supplies for the cross stitch picture I will do foe her and had to go buy some new outfits for the other two "big sisters". I managed to get some amazing  Oshkosh deals! Dresses for $2.99! Seriously! I got three each in Pikn, Turquoise and Melon orange. AND also got a pair of capri's and a t-shirt for each of them. The bill was just over $31 bucks for the whole thing! Not a joke, 10 items for 31 bucks. I was soooo thrilled! gotta love Oshkosh deals. The anxious part was that I COULD have spent a hundred easy and got a tonne of things for my future daughter...if I knew how old she'd be and IF I knew how big she was and IF I knew what would look best on her. sigh.  There was soo much on sale and it's so rare that I get to buy the cute little dresses and outfits. They had amazing jackets and jeans for fall. Not much yet but the fall stuff is slowly coming out. Can't wait for the big stuff to come, kam loves the lined rugby pants and this time around i will try to get a few pairs in a couple sizes so that he has some for now and spring.
In a way, I wish I worked there so I could get the discount. Maybe next year I will look into trying to get on part time or something. I'd spend a tonne there. Well, I already do but it would be nice to get it at a bargain. lol
It's so exciting that Charlotte is here. When I am done, I will post a picture of the cross stitch on here. I am doing "Charlotte's web" it'll be cute.

Feeling the uge to create

I've been bit by the creative bug again. It's been a while and I'm happy to say it's back! Over the last couple of years I've been in a pretty heavy slump. I used to start a new project every month, whether it be sewing, cross stitch, scrapbook, photography or my favorite, writing. I had a very good run at a book a year ago. I was on a fantastic roll and for some reason, let it go for some time and when I went back to it, the feeling had passed and I was in a slump. I had gotten about 6 full chapters on it, well over 3000 words and was pumped! before that one was a supernatural themed novel adn I had gotten 11000words+ on that one and hit the same slump! It's aggravating and I do know why it hits. My job, my family, my lack of time to sit and get lost in it had caught up with me both times it it frustrated teh hell out of me.  When you have to get up at 6:30 to get kids up for school, get lunches made, start a job where you are wiping runny noses, changing dirty diapers, refereeing, teaching, tolerating, then attempting to finish out the day with your own family once all the other kids had gone back to theirs. By the time 9 p.m. rolled around and I finally had a few monutes to myself, it was tough to jump on the ;aptop and write for four hours and still get a good nights' sleep. Sure, there were some nights when I managed a good run and glanced at the clock that read 2:40 a.m. and realized that I had to get up in less than four hours.
I never want to give up on my dream of being published. I just wish I had more time to devote to it.

Recently, while surfing on Blogger, I came accross a blog run by a crafter. she had made a bathroom set our of old vintage bedsheets. My sis-in-law is a member of the ghostbusters association of Ontario (yes, there really is one)  and I have been trying to find something unusual to make her for her birthday coming up in October. I found a bed sheet set on EBAY. Vintage ghostbusters!! I was so excited! I will attempt to re-create the set I saw on here out of the ghostbusters sheets and then have leftovers to make her a gymbag, a framed print and possibly something else if there is enough fabric in good shape.

I also have a yen to make some rag quilts. I have three nieces and another niece/nephew due any day now. I thought that maybe making the rag quilts will allow me to be crafting and still productive at the same time.
Plans are made for a christmas card making night at some point. I have my inks, my stamps, my embossing tools and my cuttlebug, now all I need is soem good papers and some time. Hopefully soon I can get some carved out.

Somewhere in all that I want to try to get myself back on track too. Meaning I really have let myself go over the last year and I know it. No sugarcoating. I was doing really good for a while there and was feeling really good. With my foot pain and lack of exercise, lack of willpower and self restraint, I have gained some weight and now really feel it's time to rein that in and get back to feeling good again! I hate hiding under yoga pants and oversized t-shirts. I hate the fact that i scrutinize my entire wardrobe wondering what will make me look and feel the least crappy every morning. Not good. I want to pick out clothes everyday and KNOW they look good again and not just hope I look ok. I worked damn hard to get to a point where I was happy and over the last year I have really let that fall to the ground!! Time to pick it up again! It sucks but at least I know how to fix it.
So lets see, new goals. Up creativity, spend some time on ME and my needs. Check.

hmmm

I find myself feeling a little bit conflicted this morning. My feelings are pretty mixed up about several decisions that have recently been made. Part of me wishes that we had proceeded with the house sale and moved on from this place. I find that everyday is a huge struggle. I am torn between responsibility and desire. I DESIRE to quit and do whatever I want for a change. I desire the ability to sleep in and not deal with the daily frustrations of running a daycare. I desire a normal life where all I have to focus on is my own family.
Responsibility tells me that we need this extra 11 months to get all our perverbial ducks in a row. We need the extra time to be completely ready and able to get what WE want instead of settling for something JUST to get out of the current situation. Responsibility tells me that tolerating the daily onslaught of this job will ultimately make us a happier family later on.
You know those lovely lottery commercials? Just imagine? I'm doing that every minute of every day!! pat and I ahve fought an uphill battle all of our life as a couple. Nothing was ever handed to us. I know so many people that seem to have it all right there for them, no worries, no money problems. I also know that looks can be deceiving sometimes, I'm not that naiive, I know when there is a really nice facade and when there is turmoil under a mask.
Who and I to complain? really? In the 17years we have been together, we have managed to somehow find ourselves in a great house, we have two vehicles, one paid for lol, a pretty decent life for our four kids. But for some reason, I still feel cheated.
The other day, Pat and I had a little "discussion" about University vs College. Now I am the first to admit that I didn't finish college. I went, I worked hard, I did my best but in the design world, if you're not on top, you're nothing. So, Imade the decision to stop fighting the strong current and move n to something else. At the time, the deal was, if I came back home I had to do SOMETHING. Some kind of schooling or course or I'd have to get a full time job and pay rent. Fair enough. I took a course called Travel and Tourism. Basicly became a travel agent. I moved out, got a job.....not in my trade but at a restaurant. I worked double shifts while drifting through life waiting for something to happen. Well, something did. I met Pat and about, ohhhh, 9 months later had Kyle!
Back to the school discussion. I never believed that you were better in life to have achieved a University degree. I will NEVER believe taht having that degree will make you a better person than I. You may have more credentials and another piece of paper to hang in a frame on your wall. I'm not bitter about it, I just don't like being made to feel like I am worth less due to the fact that I did NOT attend University.
I made a choice in my life, I chose to be Mom first. It may not have been the choice others would have made but it was the one that I made and I'm happy with it. It doesn't meand that I don't wonder every now and then how different my life would have been if I had gone down a different path. Decisions.
Life choices are tough. I love my family, I adore my sons. I occasionally wonder if the time will come when I put myslef first and not worry all about every one else. Probably not. But, again, that is a decision, my decision.
Like it or not, we face them everyday. We have tough choices to make, simple choices, obvious choices. Its all relative I guess.
Decisions are something we will always be faced with, Thousands everyday. The decision to stay and work for another year is one that I am regretting just a little bit. I don't feel that I have earned early retirement lol, I just feel like I have earned a nice break. I'm not greedy, just a little while. Depending on how long it takes for us to get our daughter, I may just take a LITTLE break then find a part-time job during the day to be able to save some money for a bit. Just enough to make it easier to take the time off when we Do get her.
For now, I am keeping my decisions easy. I have decided...to go refill my coffee cup.

survived! Woooooo

Well, we survived our camping weekend at the trailer. It was nice, HOT but nice. the sleeping was something else though. I kept thinking how tight it was for the six of us to sleep in there and then thought about adding ANOTHER person to the trailer! man, a family of seven will be TIGHT in that trailer. 31 feet or not, it's still tight! We have decided to take out a bankette at the back and put in a folding futon. It will be so much easier than trying to repair the bench that is there. I mean come on, I know the trailer is old (79) but REALLY? I had s much work to do there this weekend. First, caulking lots of cracks and holes. Then I painted and decdoreated teh whole thing. I mad etht cushion covers a few weeks ago but finally got some of the curtains up this weekend. I still have a few to do but have to get some curtain hangers still. I have to replace a tonne of screening, re-do the floors becuase....EWWWWW!. The vinyl is not terrible, just really dated. but the carpet!!!! Wow, I spilled stuff on it and had to wipe it up, the rag I was using came out BLACK!!! It was terrible!
The double bed at the back that Pat and I use is way too small. We complain about our Queen bed here at home and a double, with the two of us, and we are not tiny people, plus three dogs was not comfortable sleeping for two nights.
We managed to make the deck a litte more useable. Not perfect but it did the job for now. WE are contemplating a move from that park next year. We'd do it now except for the fact taht we paid for the whole season adn I am not throwing away 2 grand just because I was uncomfortable. I can stick it out for the rest of the season. It just doesnt feel like home yet. I know we've only gone a few times but all three times it was awkward and frustrating. Our site is a nice big one but we are right nerxt to a transient site where every time we go we have a new camper beside us. They are usually a bit more rowdy due to the fact taht they are just there for a few days to have a good time and then moving on. I;m all for a good time but sometimes there has to be a little respect for the permanent trailers there that go for some peace and quiet and not to party all the time.

Weekend plans

heading out to the trailer this weekend for some relaxation....not. I am bringing supplies to paint and make it our own. Already made new covers for all the cushions and made matching curtains that I will hang this weekend too. Got a nice creamy coffee colour to paint on the walls., some caulking to fill some holes to keep the earwigs out(ewwwww) and contemplating new vinyl flooring at some point too. we managed to move the Gazeebo onto the deck, not that it will do much to keep the bugs out, they can still just come up right from below the decking. But, it gives us a bit of privacy form the neighboring group whom were, dare i say, rude adn rowdy last time we were up there. One of their "guests" was down right raunchy and clearly intoxicated. we are thinking of moving the trailer out of there next summer and onto our own property when we move to it.The park itself is nice and all, but not exactly our scene. i'd love to move it to another park, maybe the one closer to us here but will have to see what the fees are.
Looking forward to some nice peaceful fun though. Need it desterately!

PRIDE course update

WE finally got our info for the fall program that is mandatory for us to attend in order to adopt in Ontario. It is called P.R.I.D.E.Parenting Resources for Information, Development & Education. It is required for both patrick and I to complete this government mandated course in order to be fully licenced for adoption.
Due to a mix-up in the spring, we missed out on the spring training and had to wait till this coming fall to take the course.
Sooo, this course will be running EVERY wendesday for 9 weeks and then one Saturday on November 20th. ug. Well, if this is what is going to help us get our little girl then I will do it and do it well!. I was told that it will be three hours every class night and the saturday will be about 5 hours. We get homework and extensive reading and even tested! A lot more indepth than I eas expecting, i have to admit.
We had to do some juggling and fancy footwork to get it into the schedule but we managed to find a way to adjust everything so that no one has to miss out on sports or activities and thanks to my mom, it's all going to work out. Pat will have to do a couple of evenings of holiday hours but only a couple and he can split a holiday into two ro three so that he doesn't have to use up a whole shift. Sooo, we know for sure that until November 20th at least, we will be waiting, and learning and hoping that it wil all bring us closer to that special moment when we find out we have a placement and a new family member.

Crisis averted for now

Well, we managed to appease the insurance gods...for now. It's funny, I know several daycare providers taht work out of their home with NO extra insurance coverage for the daycare. We have had the extra insurance for many years and have never had to make a claim. We try to be honest and forthright.I want to make sure that we, and teh kids I care for are protected in the case of any emergency or accident. Again, we have never HAD to use the insurance OR make any claims but it is nice to know that if it is needed, we are protected. It's strange to shop for insurance companies when they refuse to cover you for a home business. When we found our current insurance provider, due to our other one deciding not to cover us for the daycare, they allowed us a certain number of children in the house and not any above that. So, we try to keep them happy and stya where we should. Why they decided to change policy now, in the middle of our term is beyond me. BUT, I am happy to say that we have reached an agreement with them, they threatned to cancel our policy if I decided to take on any more kids tahn I currentlu have which I'm not. The group I have is the group I will have for the rest of my daycare time for the year. The last day of June 2012 will be my last day of daycare. Kind of bittersweet to be honest.  I've been doing this for so long now that it's a little scary to be faced with doing NOTHING for a while. Our agreement is, I am taking a year off before making ANY decisions regarding work or income.  The bare minimum is 6 months and if I choose to take the full year I can do so. My thought is, once we are blessed with our little girl, I want to be there to care for her and bond with her and not pass her off right away to a childcare provider so I can go out and work at a job that I don't want to do just to make a few bucks. Our idea of moving is to comfortably live of Pat's salary and not rely on mine. Once I DO have an income again, it will be bonus and not necessity. I really want to have that time with her to solidify our relationship and make her feel comfortable and happy. It's very important to me to have that time with her and her with me. It will be good for all of us. I've had ONE official holiday in 11 years. In 2008 We took a week to go to Disney World with family. It was heavenly and I wish I could have done it every year but, not possible. Other than that one week, the only time off I have had is the times I did not have kids here, Christmas, occasional holiday weekends etc. Never a time in summer, never a full march break. Sure I had a day here or there but not a solid chunk except for that vacation. I am very much looking forward to having a nice, long break. I want to write, I want to sit in front of my computer or heck, maybe buy a new laptop (since my old one was laid to rest a few months ago, r.i.p. faithful little buddy) and be able to sit and just let the thoughts and words flow. It would be nice to not be rushed to finish a paragraph because a diaper is REALLY in need of a change or a fight needs to be broken up over a toy car.
I'd love to sit and have a little tea party with my daughter dresses, tiara's, lace gloves and all! I want to play with her hair and take her shopping. I want to sit and listen to her tell me everything she wished to share without interruption. I missed out on that with the boys. Kyle and I had alone time for three years and I remember how nice it was jut to sit and PLAY with your kid. Really play. Alex, Jared and Kameron didn't have the centered attention from me and I feel so sad over it. Jared and Kam were basicly raised with daycare kids in the house. kam doesn't even know any different since I'd been doing it for years before he was even born! I came home from the hospital and went right back to daycare the week after. He's had to share everything and all of us. Sometimes I feel so bad for the boys, always having to share me with half a dozen other kids. Taking come kids overnight and having them give up their rooms and beds to accommodate them. They have had minor complaints but have always understood that it was my job and we had to help out in any way we could. I am very much looking forward to, no that I don't care about any of the daycare kids, having my kids and my family all to myself and them having ME all to theirselves. I'm looking forward to saying "Nope, no plans this week, what do YOU want to do?"
We don't know how old our new doughter will be. we had put in between 1 and 4 but that's a broad age range so we'll see. I have to admit, even though I'm not sure I want to start over iwth a little baby, I would never pass up the chance to have one if the opportunity presented itself. I know that out there, the older kids are a bit harder to place and everyone wants babies so we deliberately put in the desire for a toddler or pre-schooler. obviously the younger she is, the better it will be for spending time with her before she is sent off to school. Sigh, we'll see what God sends us i guess. Trust, always a difficult thing for me. lol. I'm working on it.

daycare frustration

Ok, how many years have I been doing this???/ Really?? I just got a phone call from our insurance company complaining that I have too many kids in my house now that my own are home from school! I am well below the Ontario regulations for the number I amm permitted, even though I am NOT registered and don't HAVE to follow any policies at all if I didn't want to. I try to keep within the standard and granted, the last few months were tough with the extra's that I had but I am now back to normal and will stay that way until I quit next spring. Now, after all this time, they decide to have a problem with the number of kids I have saying that with my own boys, there are too many in the bloody house. Grrrrr, sure, just add one more thing to my stress levels and see what happens. It's hared enough as it is to go day to day without having to deal with the "issues" the insurance comapny has with greaters numbers in the summer because school is out!!!!
On the up side, I got an e-mail telling me that our homestudy wil be beginning shortly and we are going to receive an invitation to the pride fall program! Things are finally moving somewhere. At least that is better. It seems we take one step forward and 16 big steps back. you make decisions that you think will better your family and look what it gets you. misery and stress and complications. I decided to stick with teh daycare, as hard as it is, for one more year so that we will be in a better selling/buying position in the spring and now it looks like Imight have to shop for a new insurance provider because of it. Where were they the last six summers when I had full time kids all summer long and still had my kids at home??? Why was it not an issue then but is now??? it doesn't make any sense and is so frustratine that it's coming about now. Life is not easy, that's a given but really? does it have to be THIS "not easy"?

Back to square one

Well, now after all that stress, complaints and house hunts, we have decided to take the house off the market and wait till February to re-list. This neighborhood relies completely on Military transfer and with that major season over, and no prospects to buy, we have no choice but to terminate our selling contract and wait the winter out. I will continue with daycare for ONE MORE YEAR. That's it, one more and I'm done.  It was a tough decision. We wanted to go, really we did but in the end, our agent's lack of information, lack of understanding, and total lack of respect had caused us to douobt his abilities to do a good job for us. I had to contact selling agents to get appointments for viewing, I had to do research onlistings, I had to scold (a grown man) him for not having a sign up for over a week! Now that it's up I do wonder how long it will take before it's down again lol. He became rude and hurried. I felt like we were pushed through viewings because he had no intention of offering on any of them. He is an agent that does not believe in Conditional Offers and chooses not to make them. His outlook was "lets get your place sold then we can focus on finding you a place to live" Although I could see some of his views, as a mom, I cannot just play the chance card with my kids lives and our future. It got to the point where we were looking at houses and trying to see what we could make do with rather than love. The one house we were really excited about turned out to be a dump. Wow, picture really IS worth a thousand words! His response to that was, wait and see of your place sells and then if this one is still available we can come in with a major lowball offer and then you can just get a bigger mortgage for repairs. REPAIRS??? The house needed a good 70 grand worth of work! New roof, windows, all new flooring, basement needed to be gutted and re-done, wiring, plumbing and who knows what else would be lurking.
All the houses he was telling us about were over 25 thousand above our limit! WTF? He knew our budget and refused to stay within those numbers. It ticked me off that he didn't listen at all!
Anyway, on to better things.
Today is my nieces 4th birthday! Also the first day of summer aerobics, we are choosing the party over the exercise though haha. Daycare is back in full swing. I have 7 kids today. A far better number than before but still a lot. Looks like this is the norm fo r the summer though.
Kameron has an ear infection. Pretty bad. 10 days of meds. At least he likes them.
10 days to harry Potter midnight showing at the drive in! Woooo

House on the market.

Here we go! the house is officially listed as of ten a.m. tomorrow morning! EEEKKK! i'm scared to death. I hope we're doing the right thing. Still no suitable houses on the amrket for us yet but we're willing to wait it out a bit and see. Our house is listed at a good price but is still a high price so I know it won't be an instant sale. sigh, in fact, it might take all summer! Scary to think that we don't know where we are going. I had to call the CAS to tell them our plans and we are now in limbo until we know which district we are looking into for a move. Come on people, list your fab country hoses for me! lol

Decisions, Decisions

Well, after the week from hell last week and a rough start this week, my decision to move has been made for me with one of my parents telling me that she is looking for other daycare. I can admit it, it's a huge blow to the ego! Especially after trying for the last 9 months not to lose it with them. These kids are crazy destructive and disfespectful. The hard part was that I liked the mom, she's genuinely a nice person adn loves her kids. I know it can't be easy with her hubby away right now and it breaks my heart that she has to go through this stuff but with all that said, I was mad last night! The issues we've had in the last year have been nothing short of delinquincy! Dammage, destruction, sidrespect, voilence, hurting animals and other kids, stealing and lying. ARRRRRGGG i was at the end of my rope but continued to take them and work with them becuse I knew SHE was in a tough spot. So when I go the letter last night and talked with her and how she's at her witts end and how they act the same at home, I didn't know what to say at first. My first instinct was to be mad, and I was. After that an talking to my friends and family I realized that this was what I needed to  get me to the point where I was ready to say "done". White flag, giving in. I'm ready to move. 11 years of daycare has taken it's toll and I am ready to give it up and move and start over with our  little girl....when we are blessed with her. By moving, it means we have to do a file transfer to another township for CAS. I don't know what is involved but I know it has to be done. Funny though, they are in the middle of an amalgamation so I don't know why we'd have to transfer if they are all going to be working together but whatever. We found a house. It's in Stone mills and it's nice. Not huge but the property is to diw for and its close enough for Pat to get to work in half the time it took from here. It's quiet and peaceful adn I might just finish my book! I don't kow what I'll do with haveing no full time job but I think I'll like it! haha. At this point, I feel bad for the ones I hae to leave behind but I also know they will be undertanding of our need to move. I love this house and I will miss it like crazy. Its big and bright and open and, well, big. The one we're going to look at and hopefully bid on is a lot smaller but workable and with no need for daycare space, we will ctually be able to use the recroom and basement. It'll be ok, We'll be ok and move on. I see it, the top of the hill, I see it up there and I knw we'll reach it and it'll be the best downhill run ever!

still waiting

Well, we have received confirmation that our refrences have gotten their paperwork in the mail so this is progress. Now, all they have to do is fill them out and send them back and we have to wait another month or two to hear anything else lol. I am hoping that everyone is honest but kind. I know that the papers will be asking numerous question regarding our character, emotions, responsibility, personalities and overall worthiness of adoption. I myself am very emotional and moody sometimes. I get stressed, I get mad, I get frustrated, just like everyone else but am hoping that it is looked at in a positive light, you know, like I'm passionate or something. Same goes for Pat. I hope that everyone paints a decent picture. i don't want people to lie at all but I want them to obviously help and not hinder haha.

We all have our positive and negative attributes but I hope that CAS sees that the positives much outweight the negatives. We don't drink excessively. I mean I have a glass of wine once in a blue moon and Pat has beers on occasion. That's it. neither of us smoke or use any kind of "substance" at all! We don't party, although i'd like to every now and then. We have good kids. They've never been in trouble and get good grades. they all have good friends. We make good money and are well enough off to have plenty of comforts in life. We are by no means SWIMMING in it but we do well. We have great friends, lots of family support and a positive future.

Our relationship as a married couple has it's up's and downs like everyone else but we've been together for 17 years now and still going strong. That's not saying that i don't tick him off or vice versa lol. It happens often but we love each other and I truely believe that this will only makeus closer and stronger as a family.

I have absolutely no idea why I'm so nervous about all this but knowing that people are judging us and answering questions about us as persons is a bit unnerving. I'm worried a bit about Past things. Like Pat's first marriage messing things up. I hope it will not be an issue. It did not end well and there were some underlying problems that came out of it. My fingers, and toes, and everything else that can cross are CROSSED that all this will go over easy and smoothly.

I don't want to be negative but all I can think about is that ANYONE can be a parent, on purpose, accidental, through one nighters or overindulgence of alocholor drugs, or by no fault of their own, meaning by force, but, people who have good lives, good families, and want to expand those families or are unable to create their own have to go through a mile of red tape and a bucket load of stress and anxiety to qualify to adopt an unwanted or neglected child.

Just me venting. No harm meant. I'm just frustrated.

yup, figures

Well, I contacted CAS to find out what was taking so long for our refrences to be contacted, via mail or whatever, the postal strike has not started yet sooo. Anyway, found out that we got LOST somwhere in the postion shuffle. They had to LOOK for our file and then proceeded to tell me that they have no idea what happened to it. they also told me that because of this, we missed the training window and now have to wait till fall to do the training. That's the pride and safe programs they want us to do before we get a placement. THEN she told me that it could now take a long time because we will have to wait till next spring to be finished the homestudy and after that, we will wait for a child to become AVAILBLE with our criteria and what they think would be a good match for us. MAN. i knew this woudl not be a smooth road but it is very disappointing that right from the beginning we have hicups. I wanted to cry but I have to reign it in and realize that its only the beginning, we have a LONG road ahead of us and when the worker finally contacts us for the homestudy we will discuss the moving thing. ug. I love my family and I love the kids that I look after but I am so dine with this job. It takes all I have and more to get through each and every day. My house is a disaster at all times and kids are destructive and disrespectufl and I just can't take any more. i am tired.

Mail strike?

Sooo, as if the waiting could be any more excruciating. There is a possibility of a mail strike for Canada post soon. Really? We're still waiting to hear anything from our refrences regarding the adoption papers, and now, it may take even LONGER to get it out to people. No one has even received the stuff yet! it's been a month since they told me they were sending it out. really? REALLY? Sooo, if by some miracle it gets out to people this week, they fill it out, and send it back within another week and then what? it takes three months to get back to CAS? I hate this. i wish I could go pick it all up from people an dhad deliver it to CAS myself!
I have dreams nightly! I talk to friends about how fun it will be to shop for little girl clothes, things, toys, etc. Even the idea of strollers and diapers and night time cuddles, afternoon naps are soooo exciting! You forget how much the little things mean to you whhen the kids are too big for them now. One son just turned 13 this past weekend, another turning 16 this coming weekend! He's even celebrating his birthday with a black belt! Saturday is testing and ceremony day! He's so excited, an nervous. 8 years of hard work and he's finally getting his black belt. Would have had it last year if Ontario allowed 15 year olds to get black belts but here in Ontario, they have to be 16 to receive a black belt in karate.
Sigh, I wish there was a way to fast track all this red tape and paperwork. I know there's not but still, wishes right?

Here we go again

Well, today is a P.A. day. A mandatory day off from school to allow teachers and staff to get meetings done, work on reports and get workshops going. The kids are all home. All of them, Extra's here for daycare because, well, ADULTS don't have the day off so my house will be full today!
It is also my son's 13th Birthday! Happy Birthday Alex, I love you very much!. So officially, I now have TWO teenagers! Tow, Two teens. sigh. I'm old. very old. When did 37 get old? Oh, yeah, today.
Not a tonne of time for talk today so I'll just sign off and if I'm not back in a week you know it's because the P.A. day did me in! Wish me luck!

Don't feel like it.

This past Monday was Victoria day for those of you that are not Canadians. These holiday Monday's always mess me up! I'm totally off my schedule and feel like I need to go to bed early just to get sorted out lol. I'm supposed to go to Aerobics tonight but I think instead, I'm going to play hookey and curl up on the couch! Ug.
Daycare threw me off today too lol, The weather was not co-operating too well so no outside time butthey still seemed to enjoy themselves so all is good there. Just as well, my foot is flaring up today. I have Plantar Fascitis in my right foot. Painfull as all hell, let me tell you, and I've given birth to four kids! If I sit still for longer than five minutes it seizes up today and is crazy sore! Just ordered another pair of shoes that I can wear indoors all the time. We have hardwood and ceramic throughout my main floor and i was told several times that going barefoot all the time ( I'm never in socks or slippers) is just aggravating the problem. A couple months ago I got a pair of sandals that are supposed to correct and easy the problem and pain....they actually work, soooo, I've been waiting for them to go on sale (crazy expensive since I normally dont spend more than $20 on a pair of shoes for myself) and yesterday they DID go on sale! Wooo! Sooo, I ordered a pair for indoor wear. I will FORCE myself  to wear them and hopefully that will start to make it a bit better.
Sigh, Still no adoption news to speak of. Our second son is turning 13 this friday, Gawd i feel old. BUT another week after that I will feel ancient because our oldest is turning 16! UGGG
This weekend, I am told, we are going to the drive-in to see Pirates of the Caribbean! Should be good, the other ones weer awesome and they boys loved them! I WILL be taking half a dozen other kids with us but should STILL be good.  We've gotten to the point witht he kids that we've stated either a big gift...or...a big party. Not both. Four kids, big money. Ug again. Most of the time, they choose the big gift, electronics, games, bike, electric scooter (like this year with the 13 year old) Xbox live ect, you get the point. Well, this year, our soon to be teen wanted the scooter, then told me at the last minute that he invited not the normal 2 friends for a sleepover but five!! I was not thrilled but I can't ahve kids expecting to go to a party and be told at the last minute that they are not invited...Alex got a talking to and we crunched the budget! Thank God the drive-in only charges $2 for kids 12 and under. Only three of them are 13! lol, I can still get away with the cheap price for the other ones.
I don't want to be the mean mom but MAN, birthdays get more expensive every year. Gone are the days when we could impress them with a big toy form the bargain stores! They want the tiny, re-chargable things now. Ipod's, PSP's, Cell's etc. Triple ug.
Yup, NOT going to aerobics tonight.

End of the world??????

Well, We're still here! Unlike many of my friends and aquaintenaces, I did NOT have any apocolyptic dreams or premonitions. In fact, I got nada, zilch, nothing, not even a blip on the freaky scale. Hmmm.I have to admit. After all the hoopla over 1999/2000 millenium stuff 11 years ago I kind of gave up on all that stuff. It'll happen when it happens and I sincerely doubt it will be for a very long time. After all, I still haven't seen the last Twilight film yet!

A new day

Another day, still nothing. None of our refrences have received anything yet. I realize that it's snail mail and that it will all take time but the process is just killing me! I keep having dreams at night, some good, some not so good. For the most part, the dreams are centering around the lack of movement in our case and the possibility tht we keep "missing out" on getting her. I keep picturing her, what she may look like, what her little personality would be like. Will she take to us quickly or will it be a gradual aceptance? Will she lean more towards one of us than the other? How will the boys react to having her here full time? How will Kameron REALLY feel about not being the baby anymore? Arrrggggg. I want this so bad it hurts, LITERALLY hurts! I have a pain in my chest where my heart is, aching.
I have heard firsthand that the process can take years! YEARS! One friend told me that an aquaintance of theirs JUST finally got the child they'd been waiting for for a couple years! I'm happy for them, I really am but the thought of feeling this for that long is scary!
When I was young, My mom made me a quilt. She used to paint on fabric and this quilt had blocks of white fabric with painted dolls from around the world on it. i loved that quilt and always thought that one day I'd have it for my daughter. Well, it sat, in storage because we never had that little girl. I asked my mom for the quilt not long ago. I had her room all pictured in my mind. Not the traditional Pink and Purple, the normal favorite of little girls everywhere, I see a very soft blue-gray on the walls. I want to hand paint some thin branches loaded with cherry blossoms.  I want to adhere some small jewels to the center of some of the blossoms so the light catches them and sparkles around the room. I want the curtains to be light and gauzy. White with a top layer of Royal blue. I want to do an upholstered headboard. Still not sure if I will do a floral with blossoms similar to the ones on the walls or something with a little glamour!
Funny, I have all this planned out and most likely, she'll want a pink and purple princess room. Whatever makes her happy.
It's not raining yet today, maybe we'll get outside after show and tell?

Mother nature's wheel of wonder!!!!

Sigh, no surprise here, it's going to be another rainy day. I'm totally on board with the  whole :feeding the flowers and getting the grass green" thing, but, running a daycare with very active preschoolers can be a little exhausting without some outdoor play time. Yesterday was a perticularly challenging day with several "REALLY? That's what you decided was best to do?" moments. sigh. I'm going to look at it as all preparation for our little one coming. Kameron, our youngest, will be seven in October. There are still the occasional "what were you thinking" times but for the most part, he's pretty good about thinking things through and will even reason with you to get his point accross!
When I first started doiing daycare it was a fluke thing. A friend had decided to close the doors on HER daycare and asked, since I was HOME doing nothing but raising two kids, if I would take some of her part-timers. I thought about it and decided that it couldn't hurt, and after all, these two were older girls that hardly needed care at all! It was fine at first. The girls were great, came in after school, did their homework, had a snack, got picked up, day done. Then the early mornings started. 5:45 to be exact. It was only a couple times a week but MAN that is EARLY when you've just been up with a baby.
After that we moved to a bigger place because within a year of Alex's first birthday we had Jared. At the new place, Pat and I talked about it and I listed ads to try to get a few more kids to look after on a more full-time basis. I managed to get responses fairly quickly which surprised me. Having never needed daycare I had no idea that it was so difficult to FIND daycare, especially good daycare at a good rate. Well, let's jsut say snowball effect!
8 years later I feel like the old woman in a shoe. I've had good kids and, well, not so good kids. I've had more than my share of difficult parents. I've had two incidents of me and parent not meshing and that relationship went south fast. I've had people take serious advantage of me, I've had amazing appreciation. I have some kids, even right now, that I don't kow how I am going to let go of at all when the time comes! lol.
I have a couple that have been with me long enough to be now looking after the siblings. It's wonderful when you can get that kind of relationship with families.
See, it's not all bad, I complain but there are many kids and many parents that really are a part of my life forever.
I am looking forward to the time when I can just have ME time. I want to finish one of my books! I want to send it out to be published, rejection or acceptance. I just want to try! Sure, my little heart will be completely broken if I get a rejection letter but  least I will have finished ONE of them instead of having four books on the go with none of them past the 12th chapter. lol sigh.
I am hoping that the move will be life changing. I know that's a tad dramatic but it's how I feel. I want to be able to get up in the morning, make sure the boys get off to school ok, get myslef a nice big cuppa coffee, and spend the day with my little girl. We'll see what happens. I am not ruling daycare out completely, I will still have one little one that will come play with us but she's more like family anyway so it's not a big deal. Plus, she will hopefully be close in age to our daughter so fingers crossed, they like each other and become good friends.
For now, I am looking out the window, at the very grey sky, knowing that at any minute it's going to be raining again. That wind has not let up either, I hear it whistling and screaming out there. What happend to April showers bring may flowers??? I think Mother Nature might be slightly menopausal because she seems to have gotten it backwards this year.

Backlog

Several days ago, when I started this blog, I had posted a nice long letter about myself and my family and our new journey. We are in the process of adoption. I had explained all about how our system works and what we were going through and then....the blogger shut down and I LOST everything. So, here I am, starting fresh again. I will go into a few details about the process itself but mostly, my postes will be about my family, our journey with the adoption, the adjustments we may have to make, our feelings on it and just everyday Mom stuff!
My family and I live in Eastern Ontario, Kingston to be exact. I grew up a Military brat and moved around quite a bit. Sure, I experiences a lot in my life and saw many new places and met many new people. Heck, I was lucky enough to start my life off in Europe! We moved to Canada when I was a baby and lived in a couple different provinces. Our last posting happened when I was 13. We moved here. Now, I do LIKE living in Kingston, it's an amazing Historical city full of culture, museums, etc. It's a very OLD city, in more ways than one. We are in a constant state of construction for one, two? Well, we have two ways to get to town (I currrently reside in Kingston east, kind of just outside the main part of town) We go over the causeway through downtown, which is usually under construction or in a state of repair, or, we go on the 401, the major highway the runs parallel to the city, which, right now, is under construction as well. They are expanding the highway to three lanes instead of two both ways. Grrr, Don't even get me started on that headache.
Anyway, My father decided to retire from the military when I was 18. He got out, we bought a house not far from where I live now with MY family and we have been here ever since. I moved around so much as a child that I NEVER wanted to change cities and start over again!
My husband patrick and I have been together for 17 years now. We've lived in several places but always here in Kingston. We have four amazing sons ranging in age from 16 (as of next month) to 6.
For as long as i can remember, I wanted to have a little girl of my own. Hey, we tried! Four times, but it was not in the cards for us to have a daughter by birth. We love our kids but always felt that we would have really done well with a little girl.
We're not rich but we do well. My husband works at a tire plant and has been there for over 20 years. I run a full time daycare out of my house. I've been doing this for over 10 years. A long time for daycare. I know some people do it as a career, well, as much as I love kids, I'm not going career. It is tiring, exhausting actually. Emotionally draining. It tries your patience and pushes your limits. It has been a very rewarding job though. I has allowed me to be home for my kids. I don't have to dress up for work and occasionally "my boss" will let me have pyjama days! lol.
We have a nice house in a good neighborhood and we worked very hard for everything we have. My business runs out of my fully finished basement so yes, sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a dungeon.
I need change, we all do.
A while back, Pat and I joked about one day being able to afford to adopt a baby from China. We have friends taht did it twice and they are all so happy. We know firsthand how much it cost them but what wonderful rewards they received in those girls. It was a little pipe dream for us. I mean, with four of our own kids, trying to find that kind of money was going to be next to impossible!
Here in Canada, there a a few ways that a qualifying family or couple can adopt. One, Private international adoption, which is what our friends did. Adoption through an agency and working with them to find kids overseas. It's not cheap, in fact it can run you upwards of 20-25 thousand or more, depending on the location, the time, the agency and the fees.
Second, you can adopt privately within Canada through an agency as well. You still pay quite a bit but most times you get paired up with a willing birth mother and go through the process together. The gestation, birth etc. If you're one of the lucky ones to connect with a borth mother and get your beautiful baby that is. Pat and i wanted a girl and although we did consider this option, we didn't want to take the chance the we would not get our daughter. Not that another son would not be great! Don't get me wrong, we just really want a little girl.
Option three is adoption through government funded agencies, like our Local Children's Aid Society. They are Non-profit, so, generally, there are little or no costs to the adoptive families. Now, they are VERY particular on who they let adopt! Whew! So far we are just in the waiting period between refrence checks and homestudy and it has been a trek to get here let me tell you! We both had to get criminal background checks, medical tests and checks, we had to provide a list of family and business refrences, be able to prove our income as to be able to provide for her. When Pat and I had Our first son back in 95' I was only 21. No one asked me what my background was, or wha tthe family medical history way or if I could give this child a good future and stable environment to live in, let alone a home! No one cared if all my medical info was up to date or if I knew how to look after a child or not. Pat and I not only have to prove our worth but also take a course on parenting a child! YEs, parents of four great kids, educated and experienced, have to take a course on how to care for a child in order to adopt one. This program is called P.R.I.D.E. and it focuses on dealing with the emotional issues that could come up with raising an adopted child.
We have chosen to work with Children's Aid to adopt. Yes, to be honest, cost was a factor, but also, we were not really looking to have a newborn baby. At 37 I am past that point where my internal clock ticks for a bun in the oven. I am not really yearning to the 2 a.m. feedings. We would really love to have a little one but closer to between the ages of 1 and 4. There are so many little ones that are either removed from the home due to domestic problems or drug related or just incimpetance. It's unfortunate and non of us want to think about it but it happens, much more than we want to admit. Those children need homes jsut as much at the beautiful new babies that are so covetted. Our youngest son told us that he was happy to have a sister as long as she was a little sister and not a big sister. In other words, he wants to be the BIG brother. lol. so that put us at about 4 as our top number.
We have completed all our paperwork, seen our doctor, had our criminal checks done, accumulated our refrences, submitted all our information for approval and now, we wait. we wait until all our Refrences return their information and then, hopefully, our homestudy will begin. Another bump in our adoption highway. Well, the homestudy is a series of home visits and interviews with us, our sons and our family. The social worker will come to our home, talk with us and the kids to try to get to know us. They will check out the house, the sleeping arrangements, where we will put her, how she will be accepted. etc. I am not too worried about the homestudy, I know we are a good family and have plenty of room for her and plenty of love as well.
The one thing that worries me is our latest decision. we have decided to leave Kingston. Not necessarily go far, in fact, it will only be about 10 minutes outside city limits. It will be closer to pat's work and we really would love to have a nice , big, country property. Acreage is what we're looking for. Now, there was a bump in that sideroad too. We were informed that we can't move while the process in going on due to the fact that the town we wish to move to is just outside of the Kingston Juristiction. If we want to move now, we have to stop the process, move, then start again with the next juristiction over. We've come so far now that I really don't want to start over, it would be heartbreaking! so, we put our move on hold...for now. It's not out, just postponed till the homestudy process is complete. We'll see what they say about that later.
So now, we sait. Wait and hope that all will go well and time will pass quickly.
Bye for now blogland!

Rain Rain, go away!

It's Monday, AND it's raining, again! I'm crabby and whiny and really not in the mood for anything this day is throwing at me.
Already today I have had to give two time-outs, clean up a drink spill, deal with two kids that want absolutely NOTHING to do with listening to anything I have to say, and get a kid to school early for a field trip...in the rain.
On top of it all, I have a backache that is SCREAMING at me! sigh, yup, it's Monday.

The up side??? Hmmm, gotta think about that for a bit. Well, it's closer to June??? I don't know. Still haven't heard a thing from our social worker and our refrences have not yet reported any paperwork that came their way yet. Hopefully soon. It's tha waiting that is killing me. I know the process can take a long time, sometimes years but once we made the decision, we really wanted it to happen fast.

Definitely feeling a ho-hum day ahead. Really hoping that I wake up tomorrow feeling much more myself and Less CRABBY!