Slowly moving forward

Well,
It's been a little while since my last post. It's a cool, damp day here, funny how your mood tends to reflect the weather, or vice versa. Adoption update. We had our second week of classes last night. We learned all about the purpose of CAS and what it does for a child, family, community in general. It was ok, long and we did a little role playing which was ok. My frustration lies in our lack of progress with our social worker. Our second meeting with her did not happen at the beginning of the month like it should have, and our third, which was supposed to be on Tuesday, the one that just passed, did not happen either. In fact, she was a complete no-show with no phone call, no message, no nothing. I had halfmy daycare parents take the day off for no reason. My house was clean, granted, but man! I was so steamed about it!. It took a few w-mails and a message to head office for a responce to come back to me yesterday. Aparently, our worker had been off recovering from a surgical proceedure. Fine and dandy, I appreciate and understand that. I've had surgery, MAJOR surgery, Pat has had surgery, we both understand and sympathize. We know what it takes to recover properly etc. Not a problem. I DO have a problem with the fact that no one thought to let us know that the meetings were not going to happen at all. She said that she had made arrangements with her manager to tell us that the meeting had to be rescheduled. well, yeah, good effort but it didn't happen. I asked her to let me know at least 24 hours in advance from now on to let me know if there willbe a cancellation at all so I could let my parents know.
What bothered me more was that we are now behind in our process, by a whole month. Our next meeting is not until october 5th. She still has to talk to each of the kids, each of us separately, discuss our options and what path to take, ie: full out adoption, the age range and the possibility of Foster to view which is taking on aninfant and caring for her as a foster child until she becomes a ward of the crown so we can legally adopt her. Last night we talked about the court system a bit and how long it takes to get a case to trial and do the legal action with straight adoption. I am thinking more and more about the foster to view. basicly we have a shot at getting a baby, very possible infant stage, like newborn, and having her come to live with us as a daughter. We would only be a foster family for her until the time that she is officially and legally a ward of the crown and her birth family relinquishes (whether by choice or by force) their legal parental rights. After that time, we will be given the opportunity to apply for formal adoption and if accepted (After all that it should be automatic but we still have to go through themotions) we get to go through the long and exhausting legal proceedings to make her ours, by name and by law.
I'm not a patient person, especially when it comes to something that I really really want, lol. I know this. I try very hard but sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I get a little frustrated. i know that we are going to be waiting for quite some time still. It will not be somethng that happens in 2011 for us. Hopefully 2012 but even then it might be a bit of a stretch.
So, now, we continue with our process, do our best to be seen, and heard in class. build a good relationship with our worker (man I can try i guess) a good relationship with our course instructors and hope that it all goes well inthe end. that's all I can pray for.
Aerobics class tonight. Doing the stability ball. Should be able to get rid of a bit of frustration and aggression.

Well, didn't happen

So, the interview didn't happen Monday as planned. The social worker's secretary called five minutes before the scheduled appointment to tell us that she was ill and couldn't make it but would re-schedule as soon as she felt up to it. Sigh
How can you be mad when the woman is sick?? You can't really so why the hell am I mad??? Another bump on the road. It's ok, I can handle this no problem. Keeping my emotions in check becuse this is a long haul coming!
Other news, we decided to sell our trailer. sigh. We only got to use it three times the whole season. We pay WAYYY too much for the season to only use it that little. We thought we had a sale last night but it fell through. The guy said he didnt see enough kids around to entertain his own two girls....um. buddy, it's a weekday in SEPTEMBER! hello?? The kids are in school!!!! Get a life and find a better excuse!ANNNNYWAY.

I'm feeling a bit, shal we say bitchy today. I'm hormonal, cranky, tired, frustrated and feeling very unappreciated at the moment. you know those times, when all you want is for someone to say, Hey, I understand you and sympathize!.? Yeah, I need that right now. Some understanding and sympathy. Not to air dirty laundry or anything but I feel, lately, my family, well certain members, seem to be a bit selfish in thier thinking and want all the attention focused ontehm. When it's time to spread some of that attention adn caring around, where do I get shoved?? Right, on the back burner again. All I hear about is, "Mom Iwant, or need or can I or do you know where? or My university courses are...or my job is... Or well, you get the drift. There si no, how was your day? or do you need a break? Or heaven forbid, Can I do anything to help????? Yeah right, I laugh at that one. Grrr

yup, feeling bitchy today for sure.  It doesnt help that nothing is going my way at all. talk abotu selfish right? All I want is for everyone to focus on me and my wants and stuff. hmmm. Nice, pot calling kettle right?

sigh. Just need a really good weekend of me time. I need my pedicure buddy back so we can go and relax for an hour very soon. KAREN come home! I miss you!

Interview #2 tomorrow morning.

Well, so far, all I can think about is the idea of a new baby. I sort of wish she hadn't mentioned it yet so that I could focus on the other things rather than the touch, the scent, the feel, the love for a brand new littl tiny baby girl.
I think even the boys are really hoping we can make it possible. At first, I was a bit worried. Al I too old to start over with a newborn? Could I handle the sleepless nights, the bottles, the diapers, the accessories, did I mention the lack of sleep? Then, after talking to NUMEROUS people about it, i began to remember how wonderful it was when the boys were tiny. Watching theit every move, theri every  milestone. They way they learned and grew and those first smiles, that amazing first laugh! The first steps! everything. My heart melted. I fell into it completely. Now it's all I can think about, All I dream about! I want it.
The other tiny part of me feels terrible for wishing for this new baby so much because I know it means that another family will have to go through something terrible in order to have their precious child taken from them and given to us. It's heartbreaking but still, i want it. I want it so bad.
I don't know what these next few interviews are about, or what we will be discussing but I will document all of it so that in the future, I will have a complete record of all that we went through to receive this blessing in our family.
I started thinking of the weird things, like when she is 18 I will be in my late 50's! pat will be in his 60's! Kyle will probably have his own family and she'll be an aunt! Man, that means grandchildren! What are we doing? Is this right? God I hope so. How can I want something in my heart so much if it's not what's meant to be?
We've been reading on adoption discussi0on boards about people who have takenthe chance to do the foster to adopt program and have had the child given back to teh birth family after bonding with him/her. I couldn't bare it!!!!! I would never survive losing her once we have her so I hope that God has a plan to keep her with us and let us rais her as our own instead of snatching her away form a huge family that will lover her to the end of time.