hmmm

I find myself feeling a little bit conflicted this morning. My feelings are pretty mixed up about several decisions that have recently been made. Part of me wishes that we had proceeded with the house sale and moved on from this place. I find that everyday is a huge struggle. I am torn between responsibility and desire. I DESIRE to quit and do whatever I want for a change. I desire the ability to sleep in and not deal with the daily frustrations of running a daycare. I desire a normal life where all I have to focus on is my own family.
Responsibility tells me that we need this extra 11 months to get all our perverbial ducks in a row. We need the extra time to be completely ready and able to get what WE want instead of settling for something JUST to get out of the current situation. Responsibility tells me that tolerating the daily onslaught of this job will ultimately make us a happier family later on.
You know those lovely lottery commercials? Just imagine? I'm doing that every minute of every day!! pat and I ahve fought an uphill battle all of our life as a couple. Nothing was ever handed to us. I know so many people that seem to have it all right there for them, no worries, no money problems. I also know that looks can be deceiving sometimes, I'm not that naiive, I know when there is a really nice facade and when there is turmoil under a mask.
Who and I to complain? really? In the 17years we have been together, we have managed to somehow find ourselves in a great house, we have two vehicles, one paid for lol, a pretty decent life for our four kids. But for some reason, I still feel cheated.
The other day, Pat and I had a little "discussion" about University vs College. Now I am the first to admit that I didn't finish college. I went, I worked hard, I did my best but in the design world, if you're not on top, you're nothing. So, Imade the decision to stop fighting the strong current and move n to something else. At the time, the deal was, if I came back home I had to do SOMETHING. Some kind of schooling or course or I'd have to get a full time job and pay rent. Fair enough. I took a course called Travel and Tourism. Basicly became a travel agent. I moved out, got a job.....not in my trade but at a restaurant. I worked double shifts while drifting through life waiting for something to happen. Well, something did. I met Pat and about, ohhhh, 9 months later had Kyle!
Back to the school discussion. I never believed that you were better in life to have achieved a University degree. I will NEVER believe taht having that degree will make you a better person than I. You may have more credentials and another piece of paper to hang in a frame on your wall. I'm not bitter about it, I just don't like being made to feel like I am worth less due to the fact that I did NOT attend University.
I made a choice in my life, I chose to be Mom first. It may not have been the choice others would have made but it was the one that I made and I'm happy with it. It doesn't meand that I don't wonder every now and then how different my life would have been if I had gone down a different path. Decisions.
Life choices are tough. I love my family, I adore my sons. I occasionally wonder if the time will come when I put myslef first and not worry all about every one else. Probably not. But, again, that is a decision, my decision.
Like it or not, we face them everyday. We have tough choices to make, simple choices, obvious choices. Its all relative I guess.
Decisions are something we will always be faced with, Thousands everyday. The decision to stay and work for another year is one that I am regretting just a little bit. I don't feel that I have earned early retirement lol, I just feel like I have earned a nice break. I'm not greedy, just a little while. Depending on how long it takes for us to get our daughter, I may just take a LITTLE break then find a part-time job during the day to be able to save some money for a bit. Just enough to make it easier to take the time off when we Do get her.
For now, I am keeping my decisions easy. I have decided...to go refill my coffee cup.

survived! Woooooo

Well, we survived our camping weekend at the trailer. It was nice, HOT but nice. the sleeping was something else though. I kept thinking how tight it was for the six of us to sleep in there and then thought about adding ANOTHER person to the trailer! man, a family of seven will be TIGHT in that trailer. 31 feet or not, it's still tight! We have decided to take out a bankette at the back and put in a folding futon. It will be so much easier than trying to repair the bench that is there. I mean come on, I know the trailer is old (79) but REALLY? I had s much work to do there this weekend. First, caulking lots of cracks and holes. Then I painted and decdoreated teh whole thing. I mad etht cushion covers a few weeks ago but finally got some of the curtains up this weekend. I still have a few to do but have to get some curtain hangers still. I have to replace a tonne of screening, re-do the floors becuase....EWWWWW!. The vinyl is not terrible, just really dated. but the carpet!!!! Wow, I spilled stuff on it and had to wipe it up, the rag I was using came out BLACK!!! It was terrible!
The double bed at the back that Pat and I use is way too small. We complain about our Queen bed here at home and a double, with the two of us, and we are not tiny people, plus three dogs was not comfortable sleeping for two nights.
We managed to make the deck a litte more useable. Not perfect but it did the job for now. WE are contemplating a move from that park next year. We'd do it now except for the fact taht we paid for the whole season adn I am not throwing away 2 grand just because I was uncomfortable. I can stick it out for the rest of the season. It just doesnt feel like home yet. I know we've only gone a few times but all three times it was awkward and frustrating. Our site is a nice big one but we are right nerxt to a transient site where every time we go we have a new camper beside us. They are usually a bit more rowdy due to the fact taht they are just there for a few days to have a good time and then moving on. I;m all for a good time but sometimes there has to be a little respect for the permanent trailers there that go for some peace and quiet and not to party all the time.

Weekend plans

heading out to the trailer this weekend for some relaxation....not. I am bringing supplies to paint and make it our own. Already made new covers for all the cushions and made matching curtains that I will hang this weekend too. Got a nice creamy coffee colour to paint on the walls., some caulking to fill some holes to keep the earwigs out(ewwwww) and contemplating new vinyl flooring at some point too. we managed to move the Gazeebo onto the deck, not that it will do much to keep the bugs out, they can still just come up right from below the decking. But, it gives us a bit of privacy form the neighboring group whom were, dare i say, rude adn rowdy last time we were up there. One of their "guests" was down right raunchy and clearly intoxicated. we are thinking of moving the trailer out of there next summer and onto our own property when we move to it.The park itself is nice and all, but not exactly our scene. i'd love to move it to another park, maybe the one closer to us here but will have to see what the fees are.
Looking forward to some nice peaceful fun though. Need it desterately!

PRIDE course update

WE finally got our info for the fall program that is mandatory for us to attend in order to adopt in Ontario. It is called P.R.I.D.E.Parenting Resources for Information, Development & Education. It is required for both patrick and I to complete this government mandated course in order to be fully licenced for adoption.
Due to a mix-up in the spring, we missed out on the spring training and had to wait till this coming fall to take the course.
Sooo, this course will be running EVERY wendesday for 9 weeks and then one Saturday on November 20th. ug. Well, if this is what is going to help us get our little girl then I will do it and do it well!. I was told that it will be three hours every class night and the saturday will be about 5 hours. We get homework and extensive reading and even tested! A lot more indepth than I eas expecting, i have to admit.
We had to do some juggling and fancy footwork to get it into the schedule but we managed to find a way to adjust everything so that no one has to miss out on sports or activities and thanks to my mom, it's all going to work out. Pat will have to do a couple of evenings of holiday hours but only a couple and he can split a holiday into two ro three so that he doesn't have to use up a whole shift. Sooo, we know for sure that until November 20th at least, we will be waiting, and learning and hoping that it wil all bring us closer to that special moment when we find out we have a placement and a new family member.

Crisis averted for now

Well, we managed to appease the insurance gods...for now. It's funny, I know several daycare providers taht work out of their home with NO extra insurance coverage for the daycare. We have had the extra insurance for many years and have never had to make a claim. We try to be honest and forthright.I want to make sure that we, and teh kids I care for are protected in the case of any emergency or accident. Again, we have never HAD to use the insurance OR make any claims but it is nice to know that if it is needed, we are protected. It's strange to shop for insurance companies when they refuse to cover you for a home business. When we found our current insurance provider, due to our other one deciding not to cover us for the daycare, they allowed us a certain number of children in the house and not any above that. So, we try to keep them happy and stya where we should. Why they decided to change policy now, in the middle of our term is beyond me. BUT, I am happy to say that we have reached an agreement with them, they threatned to cancel our policy if I decided to take on any more kids tahn I currentlu have which I'm not. The group I have is the group I will have for the rest of my daycare time for the year. The last day of June 2012 will be my last day of daycare. Kind of bittersweet to be honest.  I've been doing this for so long now that it's a little scary to be faced with doing NOTHING for a while. Our agreement is, I am taking a year off before making ANY decisions regarding work or income.  The bare minimum is 6 months and if I choose to take the full year I can do so. My thought is, once we are blessed with our little girl, I want to be there to care for her and bond with her and not pass her off right away to a childcare provider so I can go out and work at a job that I don't want to do just to make a few bucks. Our idea of moving is to comfortably live of Pat's salary and not rely on mine. Once I DO have an income again, it will be bonus and not necessity. I really want to have that time with her to solidify our relationship and make her feel comfortable and happy. It's very important to me to have that time with her and her with me. It will be good for all of us. I've had ONE official holiday in 11 years. In 2008 We took a week to go to Disney World with family. It was heavenly and I wish I could have done it every year but, not possible. Other than that one week, the only time off I have had is the times I did not have kids here, Christmas, occasional holiday weekends etc. Never a time in summer, never a full march break. Sure I had a day here or there but not a solid chunk except for that vacation. I am very much looking forward to having a nice, long break. I want to write, I want to sit in front of my computer or heck, maybe buy a new laptop (since my old one was laid to rest a few months ago, r.i.p. faithful little buddy) and be able to sit and just let the thoughts and words flow. It would be nice to not be rushed to finish a paragraph because a diaper is REALLY in need of a change or a fight needs to be broken up over a toy car.
I'd love to sit and have a little tea party with my daughter dresses, tiara's, lace gloves and all! I want to play with her hair and take her shopping. I want to sit and listen to her tell me everything she wished to share without interruption. I missed out on that with the boys. Kyle and I had alone time for three years and I remember how nice it was jut to sit and PLAY with your kid. Really play. Alex, Jared and Kameron didn't have the centered attention from me and I feel so sad over it. Jared and Kam were basicly raised with daycare kids in the house. kam doesn't even know any different since I'd been doing it for years before he was even born! I came home from the hospital and went right back to daycare the week after. He's had to share everything and all of us. Sometimes I feel so bad for the boys, always having to share me with half a dozen other kids. Taking come kids overnight and having them give up their rooms and beds to accommodate them. They have had minor complaints but have always understood that it was my job and we had to help out in any way we could. I am very much looking forward to, no that I don't care about any of the daycare kids, having my kids and my family all to myself and them having ME all to theirselves. I'm looking forward to saying "Nope, no plans this week, what do YOU want to do?"
We don't know how old our new doughter will be. we had put in between 1 and 4 but that's a broad age range so we'll see. I have to admit, even though I'm not sure I want to start over iwth a little baby, I would never pass up the chance to have one if the opportunity presented itself. I know that out there, the older kids are a bit harder to place and everyone wants babies so we deliberately put in the desire for a toddler or pre-schooler. obviously the younger she is, the better it will be for spending time with her before she is sent off to school. Sigh, we'll see what God sends us i guess. Trust, always a difficult thing for me. lol. I'm working on it.

daycare frustration

Ok, how many years have I been doing this???/ Really?? I just got a phone call from our insurance company complaining that I have too many kids in my house now that my own are home from school! I am well below the Ontario regulations for the number I amm permitted, even though I am NOT registered and don't HAVE to follow any policies at all if I didn't want to. I try to keep within the standard and granted, the last few months were tough with the extra's that I had but I am now back to normal and will stay that way until I quit next spring. Now, after all this time, they decide to have a problem with the number of kids I have saying that with my own boys, there are too many in the bloody house. Grrrrr, sure, just add one more thing to my stress levels and see what happens. It's hared enough as it is to go day to day without having to deal with the "issues" the insurance comapny has with greaters numbers in the summer because school is out!!!!
On the up side, I got an e-mail telling me that our homestudy wil be beginning shortly and we are going to receive an invitation to the pride fall program! Things are finally moving somewhere. At least that is better. It seems we take one step forward and 16 big steps back. you make decisions that you think will better your family and look what it gets you. misery and stress and complications. I decided to stick with teh daycare, as hard as it is, for one more year so that we will be in a better selling/buying position in the spring and now it looks like Imight have to shop for a new insurance provider because of it. Where were they the last six summers when I had full time kids all summer long and still had my kids at home??? Why was it not an issue then but is now??? it doesn't make any sense and is so frustratine that it's coming about now. Life is not easy, that's a given but really? does it have to be THIS "not easy"?

Back to square one

Well, now after all that stress, complaints and house hunts, we have decided to take the house off the market and wait till February to re-list. This neighborhood relies completely on Military transfer and with that major season over, and no prospects to buy, we have no choice but to terminate our selling contract and wait the winter out. I will continue with daycare for ONE MORE YEAR. That's it, one more and I'm done.  It was a tough decision. We wanted to go, really we did but in the end, our agent's lack of information, lack of understanding, and total lack of respect had caused us to douobt his abilities to do a good job for us. I had to contact selling agents to get appointments for viewing, I had to do research onlistings, I had to scold (a grown man) him for not having a sign up for over a week! Now that it's up I do wonder how long it will take before it's down again lol. He became rude and hurried. I felt like we were pushed through viewings because he had no intention of offering on any of them. He is an agent that does not believe in Conditional Offers and chooses not to make them. His outlook was "lets get your place sold then we can focus on finding you a place to live" Although I could see some of his views, as a mom, I cannot just play the chance card with my kids lives and our future. It got to the point where we were looking at houses and trying to see what we could make do with rather than love. The one house we were really excited about turned out to be a dump. Wow, picture really IS worth a thousand words! His response to that was, wait and see of your place sells and then if this one is still available we can come in with a major lowball offer and then you can just get a bigger mortgage for repairs. REPAIRS??? The house needed a good 70 grand worth of work! New roof, windows, all new flooring, basement needed to be gutted and re-done, wiring, plumbing and who knows what else would be lurking.
All the houses he was telling us about were over 25 thousand above our limit! WTF? He knew our budget and refused to stay within those numbers. It ticked me off that he didn't listen at all!
Anyway, on to better things.
Today is my nieces 4th birthday! Also the first day of summer aerobics, we are choosing the party over the exercise though haha. Daycare is back in full swing. I have 7 kids today. A far better number than before but still a lot. Looks like this is the norm fo r the summer though.
Kameron has an ear infection. Pretty bad. 10 days of meds. At least he likes them.
10 days to harry Potter midnight showing at the drive in! Woooo