hmmm

I find myself feeling a little bit conflicted this morning. My feelings are pretty mixed up about several decisions that have recently been made. Part of me wishes that we had proceeded with the house sale and moved on from this place. I find that everyday is a huge struggle. I am torn between responsibility and desire. I DESIRE to quit and do whatever I want for a change. I desire the ability to sleep in and not deal with the daily frustrations of running a daycare. I desire a normal life where all I have to focus on is my own family.
Responsibility tells me that we need this extra 11 months to get all our perverbial ducks in a row. We need the extra time to be completely ready and able to get what WE want instead of settling for something JUST to get out of the current situation. Responsibility tells me that tolerating the daily onslaught of this job will ultimately make us a happier family later on.
You know those lovely lottery commercials? Just imagine? I'm doing that every minute of every day!! pat and I ahve fought an uphill battle all of our life as a couple. Nothing was ever handed to us. I know so many people that seem to have it all right there for them, no worries, no money problems. I also know that looks can be deceiving sometimes, I'm not that naiive, I know when there is a really nice facade and when there is turmoil under a mask.
Who and I to complain? really? In the 17years we have been together, we have managed to somehow find ourselves in a great house, we have two vehicles, one paid for lol, a pretty decent life for our four kids. But for some reason, I still feel cheated.
The other day, Pat and I had a little "discussion" about University vs College. Now I am the first to admit that I didn't finish college. I went, I worked hard, I did my best but in the design world, if you're not on top, you're nothing. So, Imade the decision to stop fighting the strong current and move n to something else. At the time, the deal was, if I came back home I had to do SOMETHING. Some kind of schooling or course or I'd have to get a full time job and pay rent. Fair enough. I took a course called Travel and Tourism. Basicly became a travel agent. I moved out, got a job.....not in my trade but at a restaurant. I worked double shifts while drifting through life waiting for something to happen. Well, something did. I met Pat and about, ohhhh, 9 months later had Kyle!
Back to the school discussion. I never believed that you were better in life to have achieved a University degree. I will NEVER believe taht having that degree will make you a better person than I. You may have more credentials and another piece of paper to hang in a frame on your wall. I'm not bitter about it, I just don't like being made to feel like I am worth less due to the fact that I did NOT attend University.
I made a choice in my life, I chose to be Mom first. It may not have been the choice others would have made but it was the one that I made and I'm happy with it. It doesn't meand that I don't wonder every now and then how different my life would have been if I had gone down a different path. Decisions.
Life choices are tough. I love my family, I adore my sons. I occasionally wonder if the time will come when I put myslef first and not worry all about every one else. Probably not. But, again, that is a decision, my decision.
Like it or not, we face them everyday. We have tough choices to make, simple choices, obvious choices. Its all relative I guess.
Decisions are something we will always be faced with, Thousands everyday. The decision to stay and work for another year is one that I am regretting just a little bit. I don't feel that I have earned early retirement lol, I just feel like I have earned a nice break. I'm not greedy, just a little while. Depending on how long it takes for us to get our daughter, I may just take a LITTLE break then find a part-time job during the day to be able to save some money for a bit. Just enough to make it easier to take the time off when we Do get her.
For now, I am keeping my decisions easy. I have decided...to go refill my coffee cup.